Back to being alone

My 5pm teabreak today at Madison's before heading for my 2nd home. Had a hawaiian sandwich with melted cheese in panini white bread w/o the pineapples of cos. The whole cafe was empty so i got a corner 4-seater by myself and took my time with Life! and women's weekly (sep 06 issue!). It feels good to be alone especially in a superbly clean cafe with white furnitures and a freshly-made cheesy sandwich except for the ice lemon tea which was a tad too sour for my weird tastebuds.

I'm surprised at my own attention and energy span for this project. That's me for you...i get super enthu at the beginning which explains my straights D's...mellow down a bit and then almost drop to gear 1 at qtr 3 which is evident in my mess of merits and passes and then I springs back to action again at qtr 4. I reckon i got to. It's final major, hello! R's quite concerned about the scale of my proposal so I'm just gonna work doubly hard to pull it through. It's a one way road. The last few days was spent trying to put together a really detailed blueprint for the creative brief. And it's amazing the amount of (interesting) information you can obtain just by reading and reading and reading from all kinds of sources. I'm liking it.

School talk aside. I've been wanting to pen something about what I've realised just over a week ago. I've told bern before that I've quite proven myself to be a bad judge of human character with a shameful record of the number of times I've misjudged a person. So I'm always in awe of friends who tell me that they take great interest in analysing human beings and observing people. How boring is that (to me). To put it in a very very simple explanation what I mean by I've misjudged a person most or rather all the time - someone i assumed to be nice turns out not so nice and someone i assumed to be difficult turns out anything but bitchy. So now I give up even trying or bothering to assess anyone that I'm meeting for the first time. Call me lazy but I decided that with my poor assessment of human behaviours, I shall not play the mind game. Although I've always wanted to be the streetsmart lass who knows how to play the game well (only smart people knows how to play mind games)....like princess min min in heavenly sword and dragon sabre! tsk tsk. ok i'm digressing. there are a million o one things out there that can make me upset and disheartened but i guess what ranks top to me is to discover for myself that i'm a poor judge of human character because of my lack of exposure in life's experiences or simply because i've allowed myself to lose the discipline to remain objective and unbiased. love keeps me going. love keeps everyone and everything going. i enjoyed the times when i loved someone or when i took a liking to someone (you) because it gives me a focus and happy thoughts to look forward to. Even though it may be tormenting at times but there was hope, for something good to come out of it all. And then suddenly one day looking back at the moments we spent together, i realised you're not who I hope you are. it's sad (for me) because it was such a great start from how I took to you to having our first proper conversation and conversations thereafter. you were someone i wanted more from until now that i realised what you can offer, sadly, isn't what i need. you've given me the cue to start hoping and i've given myself the cue to stop hoping. it's a relief because it can get tiring to be hoping all the time, alone.

The tone of this entry seems to be getting grave. Because I just remembered another thought that I had wanted to blog about much earlier this month. That day was the first time in my entire working life that I questioned myself if i had been a stupid worker all these years to assume (silently and willingly) every single responsbility at work even though some weren't even mine to care half a mind about. Was it a problem of not knowing how to say no or can I be righteous to claim that i'm a value-add employee? It's definitely not a problem of not knowing how to say no. It's a fact I'm a workaholic. It's built in me. I'm a bull (i mean taurus) and sometimes I can't help but acknowledge that I carry the traits of a bull. No bull dozer can stop me if I want to accomplish something that i like and i can stay very very focused (likened a bull fixed on a red cloth?) and no amount of efforts (not even sympathy attempts) can move me to do anything I do not want to. So bringing the context back to the working environment. I resent the tai-chi attitude. I can never ever point finger and pass the fault ball to another person. I'm not a porous head either to take the rap for something not my fault but i would assume the responsiblity that I "should have" gave a pre-amp to whatever that's about to go wrong. It's a little confusing to understand what I'm trying to say i'm sorry but simply put, i feel guilty for every damn thing that went wrong at work even though it has nothing to do with me AT ALL. So it was that day when I reflect about my attitude at work and questioned if i've been totally stupid (yea, stupid's the word) to have this kind of mentality. I don't own the fucking company and i certainly don't get a fucking 5-digit salary to play hero and be noble with. After musing on it for a couple of days, i realised the ultimate conclusion is to be happy and answerable for wahtever personal choices I make. God gave the freedom of choice and that is the best gift to live life with. Don't make it complicated by adding contradictation.

oh yea....i forgot who i was asking recently if she/he had watched artificial intelligence. that show totally overwhelmed me. i was totally overwhelmed by that show. i forgot who i went with for the movie many years ago but strangely i wonder why none of my friends and i had a conversation about how sad the movie was. to the point that i think i prayed really hard that it will never be aired on tv. because it was too heart wrenching. *forehead creases* i hate the last part. i hate the sad part. it was simply too much to handle. no movie had overwhelmed me the way this did. i think i can almost tell you what it feels like to have your heart physically being wrinkled up. it's fucked up sad.